Bat for Lashes will be the soundtrack for tonight’s post.
When left alone to its own devices, at night, for any period longer than three hours, it starts creeping to its natural state. This is of course, if I have nothing to keep me busy, and I start listening to my songs.
I have often said that my boyfriend is my better half, he is my north, he keeps me out of trouble, keeps me sober, keeps me healthy, keeps me out of the darkness. He is the first to do this.
He is an emotionally simple man, nothing complex, nothing lurking in the background. There is no drama, nothing unpredictable, nothing dark in him. He is calm and he is patient. He is active and he lets me do whatever I want to do, he does not bitch about anything, after almost six years, I still find this odd.
(Yes I have been left alone, at night, for longer than three hours, way longer than three hours).
I have met a few men in my lifetime. The first relationships didn’t last long, the first good one I could have had I ran away from before it even happened (silly girl). One lasted eight years, but thank god it ended. I used to go after the intense ones, the troubled ones, it ended with me unhealthy, both spiritually and physically. It became lackluster. When I was there, all I wanted was light, to be free from drama, control and the weight of psychological manipulation. I had forgotten who I was.
After many a year dabbling in the bad boy pool I traded intensity for peace, I traded weight for air, I traded black for white. I miss it sometimes though, when I’m left alone, at night, for any period longer than three hours.
I never met a man that could give me both. Is there such a man? I sometimes look at men that were at one point interested in me but I never got involved with because I was taken (I will never cheat on anyone), and I wonder to myself “Could he be both? What would it have been like? What would my life be like today?”. I don’t think that man exists. But I keep thinking about it, when I am left alone, at night, for any period longer than three hours…
Anyways, that’s my stupid brain for you, always finding trouble, always thinking too much. A stupid but a happy one at the moment.